


Reworking the Drake Equation

by intothecest



Category: Batwoman (TV 2019), DC Extended Universe
Genre: Batdickery, Dialogue Heavy, F/F, Incest, Multi, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Ridiculous, Sibling Incest, Sister/Sister Incest, Step-Sibling Incest, Twincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-22 22:34:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21084188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intothecest/pseuds/intothecest
Summary: Batwoman receives a surprise visit from some of the extended Batfamily, and winds up finding a solution for her love life issues.





	Reworking the Drake Equation

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a dumb idea I had for where I wanted Batwoman to go, after the first two episodes. The story is a sort of where in my wildest and most ridiculous dreams the series would wind up a few episodes down the line. It's likely to be out of date almost immediately after posting it. Characters are going to be ridiculously out of character, and sometimes not even close to normal human reaction, don't @ me. My other work strives for a bit more rigor, this is just deliberately silly and fun.

The Batwoman returned to her cave after a long day of fighting crime and took off her mask, letting out a huge sigh. The tension in her thighs wasn't just from the Batcycle, the sweat not just from the Batsuit. 

"Sounds like one of those nights," she heard from the shadows, and whirled around, trying to gracefully put her mask on with one hand while holding a batarang with another. That being extremely difficult, she eventually just settled for holding the mask in front of her face. Whoever this guy was, it wasn't Luke Fox, and it wasn't Bruce.

"Who's there? How did you get in here?"

"I knew about this place before you did, Kate Kane."

That gave her an excuse to drop the mask, at least, if her identity was already out. She got closer to the computer, saw a fit dark-haired man, around her age but yet somehow looking fresh faced, innocent. His face rang a bell. "You know who I am."

"When I was a teenager, I deduced that my next door neighbor was secretly Batman. Yours really wasn't that hard. Also, Luke told me. He's really not great at keeping secrets."

Young, athletic, too young to be Dick, too not-dead to be Jason. "You must be Tim Drake." He smiled, nodded. "One of the Robins. Batman's got files on you."

"And you're Kate Kane, Batman's cousin. Which means inevitably, you were either going to be horribly murdered one day to give him extra angst, or you were going to join the fight someday. I'm glad it was the second one."

"You know where Bruce is?"

"Off being broody somewhere. He'll probably be back in time for a big event or something, steal everyone's thunder." 

"So, you're here what, to be my sidekick?"

"Please I got out of the sidekick game years ago, I work with a team now. I'm not even Robin anymore, I'm Red Robin."

"That just sounds like a sidekick who got a corporate sponsorship deal on the side."

"Shut up, it's totally badass. And I work on the west coast with the Titans of this universe."

"Why did you say it like that? _This_ universe?" 

"No reason. Just in case you might have been familiar with another universe of Titans. I'm not necessarily any of the Robins involved in another universe. Anyway, I was wrapping up a case in the area and figured I'd come by and say hello. From what I see on the news, you've been doing good work here. But you seemed pretty frustrated when you came in. Is it the never-ending fight against crime and corruption getting you down?"

"Oh, no I got that covered."

"So, it's something else then... oh, I know, must be the love life. Come on, lay it on me."

"Kid, I really don't think..."

"Look, it's not easy being a mask, it complicates your romance options. But I've been through it all. Secret identity problems, alien dopplegangers, fridging, surprise unfridging, bromances that turn into more. And, you know, I figured out Batman's identity and never revealed it, so, you know if I promise to keep it between us, I'm good for it."

"My situation's a little weirder than most."

"Did you not hear the part about alien dopplegangers? Hell, I once made out with a girl while trying to clone her ex who'd just died. Not to mention all the stuff Bruce and Dick have gone through. I've heard it all."

"Okay, fine. But no judging. Well, first of all, I'm _super-gay_. Like, got kicked out of military school gay."

"Hey, did I mention the guy I was trying to clone was also _my_ ex at the time right, right? Nothing weird about being gay, although I'd prefer you use _bat-gay_ instead of _super-gay_. You have branding to think about."

"That wasn't the weird part, I was just setting the stage a little. Anyway, I came back to Gotham because of the one I thought was the love of my life, but it turns out she's in super denial and married to a guy and honestly I probably could steal her away but I'm not even sure I want to anymore... and I've kind of slipped into falling for two very different women who are inspiring some feelings they really shouldn't be."

"Ah, the complicated love triangle. A classic."

Kate jumped as another voice came out of the darkness. "Whatever you do, don't let him sell you on the Drake Equation." The new speaker was wearing a form-fitting and quite attractive purple bodysuit, with a hood that was currently down to reveal her long blonde hair. Not normally Kate's type, but quite attractive. 

"And who are you?"

"I came with Tim. I'm known as... Spoiler!"

Kate waited until it was clear that was all she was going to say. "Look, I'm not going to be bothered if you tell me. I'm not that invested in figuring out the mystery myself."

"No, I mean that's my name. Spoiler." Oh, yeah, Kate remembered her, one of the lower-tier vigilantes, daughter of a third-rate villain who got into heroing to get back at her father. Kate could relate to that urge, even if she went the opposite direction. "I was also one of the Robins, briefly."

"Very briefly," Tim said. That got him a glare. 

"Anyway, you should know my real name from the files too." Well, this was awkward. Kate just hung there for a moment, thinking of something to say, until the woman sighed and said, "He didn't put me in the files, did he?"

"I mean, Spoiler gets some mentions, and there was a short time in his where he referred to Robin with she-her pronouns, but if he ever mentioned you by name, I don't remember. He was probably just... protecting your identity?"

"Bullshit. He barely remembers I exist. I died and that asshole didn't even give me a memorial case." Another sigh with a shake of her head, then clarified, "I got better, obviously." Blonde, back from the dead, and apparently a little bitter about it. Maybe this girl _was_ Kate's type after all. "Sorry, I know he's your cousin and all, but he can be a bit of a tool sometimes. Anyway, my name's Stephanie, Stephanie Brown. I was also Batgirl here for a while."

"_Were_ you?" Tim asked, not mockingly, but like he wasn't sure.

Stephanie gave an exaggerated shrug. "I don't even _know_ anymore, I did this stint with the Legends, patrolling the timeline for people making alterations, and, you know, spoiling their plans, and sometimes we screwed up and things shifted a little. So I'm not _strictly_ sure if that's true anymore... nobody's bothered to clarify since I got reintroduced to normal continuity, and, of course the Legends don't even remember me either now so it's not like I can ask." Her eyes rolled, like this was a frequent thing the universe threw at her that wasn't worth more than getting mildly annoyed at. 

"Yeah, that's rough, buddy. Anyway, can we get back to my love life?" She wasn't sure about the whole taking advice thing at first, but here were two heroes, and they seemed to be pretty open-minded. "What's this Drake Equation?"

"It's not called that," Tim protested.

"I've been calling it that for a bit. Anyway, when Tim and I first started hanging out, he was already dating a girl in his civilian ID. And we started to hit it off fighting crime together. So Tim had this bright idea that he had two identities, so that meant he should be able to have _two_ girlfriends, and I could date Robin."

"In my defense," Tim said. "I was a horny teenage boy. And it's not like it's really _that_ far from how we make things work now."

"Yes, but the difference is everyone is on the same page. Cass knows about you, I know about Connor, we're all friends. That's the key, Tim, communication and honesty." She turned to Kate and added, "He wouldn't even let me know his _real name_, while he knew mine." 

"That was to protect Bruce!"

"I do not want to hear _that_ again! This is a guy who just runs off and thinks nobody will figure out that Bruce Wayne disappeared around the same time Batman did. He obviously doesn't care about his identity that much." She sighed. "Sorry, it's rude of us to rehash old issues. So, you've got a love triangle going. Who are your options?"

"I don't know if I'd call _either_ of them options, yet, but... okay, here goes. Since I started this gig, I've needed the occasional patching up... luckily I found that my stepsister's got a secret illegal free clinic. I'd always dismissed her before since she seemed to be so shallow and I had my own shit to deal with, but I'm really starting to regret it. She's really very sweet and has always had my back and lately there's been sparks where I'm starting to feel like maybe she's always secretly had a thing for me too. She's really got that 'girl-next-door' vibe, you know, the kind of girl you just never considered because they were just always there, and when you finally notice how special they are you're worried it might be too late. Lately I've been finding excuses to need stitches just so she and I can spend time together." So many times, while Mary applied tender care, she leaned in too close, making even casual conversations felt somehow like intimate confessionals, and it was getting harder and harder not to move in for a sweet kiss that might change everything, one way or the other. 

"Oh," Tim said. "Your _stepsister_, though?"

"Hey, you said no judging." If Mary didn't feel the same way, though, it could cause serious family complications. 

"I did. Okay, sure, whatever. It's not the weirdest love story I've heard. Who's option B?"

"That's the really complicated one. She's kind of considered a major supervillain."

"Another classic," Tim said. "So who is it? The Ten-Eyed Woman?"

"Ew, no. I shouldn't even have to _explain_ why."

"Ivy's not back in town, is she?"

"No. You've heard of Alice, head of the Wonderland Gang?" 

"Uh... yeah, she's a murderer, isn't she?"

Kate gave a wince in recognition of the problem. "_Technically,_ yeah. There are extenuating circumstances... but that's probably my big sticking point. I'm probably just the worst for even thinking about it." Yet the guilt didn't outweigh the excitement. 

"I mean, Batman had Catwoman," Steph pointed out. "I mean, she's more a thief than a murderer, but still, you aren't the first to fall for a villain."

"And then there was Talia," Tim agreed. "She was the leader of the League of Assassins. Bruce had a kid with her."

"But seriously, it's just a bad idea to dating a murderer... she might just start murdering anyone you get too close to."

That was a very good point, Kate had to concede. "Actually she's tried to murder my stepsister a few times. Like some kind of fucked up jealousy. But I don't know, that's also kind of _hot_, you know?"

"No. I mean I know crazy can be hot, but you can't have that in your life," Stephanie said. "Especially not if you're going to be the city's hero. You've gotta realize how _bad_ an idea it is, right?"

"I do, I do." And yet she longed to be near her, wanted to feel Alice's hands on her body even if they might suddenly go for her throat. And really, she didn't think they would except maybe as a soft caress, or a hard one that held on just until the lack of oxygen made everything feel tingly and then releasing before she felt faint. "But as I said, there are extenuating circumstances to her murdering, I think I can get her to stop."

"It's not _impossible_," Stephanie conceded. "As someone dating an ex-assassin herself." 

"Okay, let's hear these extenuating circumstances," Tim said. "Mind control?"

"Close. Brainwashing. At least, I'm pretty sure."

He nodded, as though it was something he heard all the time. "Are you sure? How do you know she's not just a run-of-the-mill psychopathic murderer who belong in Arkham? I mean, this _is_ Gotham."

"I just... I know her." It was hard to explain, without revealing the truth. But with their histories, they'd probably figure it out soon enough. After all, the crows knew her theory already, and any half-decent vigilante already knew practically everything law enforcement did. So Kate decided to just tell the whole story. "See, Alice is actually my twin sister Beth."

"What."

"There was an accident, when we were kids, when our Mom died. Batman was there. We all thought Beth was dead too, even though they never found the body."

"Always make sure you _actually_ see the body," Spoiler muttered.

"It turns out she was just missing all along. Obviously _somebody_ took care of her and deliberately kept her from us and probably messed with her head or something all these years... she came back wanting to lash out at her family. All the trouble she's caused has been about making our dad suffer for not finding her. But I know the real Beth's in there, and if I just show her the love and affection she feels like she missed out on and, you know, maybe let her channel her violent impulses on me with rough bondage-heavy sex, I think I could live with that." Their fights were already pretty charged, always managing not to do real damage to each other, yet always with an urge to just submit and let Beth do whatever she needed to work out her demons. At least, that's how it went in the fantasy. Reality, she knew, might not work out so well.

"She's your _twin_. I mean, clone, alternate universe doppleganger, _that_'s all fair game, but your actual twin?" He looked dubious. 

"Whatever happened to 'no judging,' Boy Wonder? I mean, when you think about it, twincest is pretty much like stepcest, it's not really a big deal. It's just your run of the mill unresolved sexual tension. Before the accident we didn't even really know what sex was but we were still pretty sure we'd _eventually_ be doing a lot of it with each other."

"I mean, whatever," said Stephanie. "The murdering people is the _real_ dealbreaker here. This isn't a Betty-or-Veronica type choice. Capture your twin and get her help, then maybe you can see how things go with your stepsister when she doesn't have anyone trying to kill her. And as for your twin, after you break her brainwashing or whatever and she stops killing you can assess what kind of relationship you should be having. Or, you know, try with your ex again. Even with her being married, it might actually be _less_ complicated." 

A beeping sound came from a bird-shaped emblem on Tim's belt. "Looks like we have to go. Another crisis."

"Right," Stephanie said. "Look, it was nice meeting you. _Weirder_ than I expected, but nice. If you need any help, like, in February or May for a big event or something, just call. In the meantime... maybe just think about what we said?"

"Oh, I will. Honestly, I think you've helped _a lot_."

"Cool beans."

"If Bruce does stop by," Tim started to say. When Kate looked back in his direction, he was already dressed not in preppy civilian clothes, but rather in a full Red Robin outfit. He was really good at the quick change, she hadn't even noticed. Then again he probably had years more practice. "Tell him the Watchtower's got its eye on dick. He'll be able to figure out what it means."

"It means the Justice League invited Nightwing to join them," Spoiler clarified, tugging a mask over her face. Once a Spoiler. 

Batwoman let them go, watching how they exited so she could close it up if she had to, but in the end she was happy they visited. Now she had an idea of what to do.

Two days later, Mary Hamilton, Kate's stepsister, climbed up a lonely Gotham rooftop via the fire escape. She really should have known better, but she'd recieved a call from a patient in her secret illegal medical clinic, a tip that their brother hurt his leg badly trying to find a way to break into a place and steal stuff. They were too afraid to go to the hospital because they were wanted from the police for a bunch of nonviolent burglaries, but couldn't make it to the clinic either. The brother was a good kid, theft aside, and his sibling sounded pretty panicked, so Mary being a sweet cinnamon roll at heart, made a rare housecall.

Only, when she called the boy's name, she didn't get a response. Then, she saw a human-shaped silhouette at the edge of the roof. It sounded like crying, but not a guy crying. Still, she got closer. "Hello? Who's there?"

The voice that answered must have chilled her, and not just because it spoke in the third person. "Alice replied, rather shyly, “_I—I hardly know, Sir, just at present—at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then._”" 

"Oh, shit." 

Alice, or Beth Kane, raised a knife. Only for it to be slapped out of her hand with a Batarang. Seconds later, Batwoman swung onto the roof, probably looking dramatic as fuck if she did say so herself. She'd been following Mary, just in case, since she intercepted that phone call which sounded a little dodgy.

"Batwoman," Mary breathed. "Thank god you're here!" She knew Kate's identity, but she hadn't know that nobody else was nearby. Alice had long since lost control of her Wonderland gang, and the teenager Alice had threatened into making the call was safe and on their way home, and the buildings nearby were empty at night. 

Kate did know all of this, which, now that she thought about it, made it a perfect opportunity to have it out with both of them.

"Enough of this," Kate said. "I'm not letting you kill her. Ever. She's my sister. _You're_ my sister, too, Beth. We have to find a way to work this out." She pulled off her mask and her long red hair to underscore the point.

"I don't see how, dear sister," Alice said, still glaring at Mary murderously, but with Kate there she didn't seem to be actively trying to murder. "I told you, I don't like to share. Except like the Owl and the Panther shared their meal."

"Well, too bad, because that's just what I'm going to suggest. You love this whole Alice theme, right? Word games and paradoxes. So, hear me out and I'll tell you how you'll get more by sharing than being selfish."

Her sister tilted her head. "It was all very well to say ‘_Drink me_,’ but the wise little Alice was not going to do that in a hurry. ‘_No, I’ll look first,_’ she said, ‘_and see whether it’s marked “poison” or not._"

That sounded like agreeing to listen to Kate. "Okay, what I'm going to suggest is a little weird, but... hear me out. I want us to start dating."

After a stunned silence, Mary said, hopefully, "You and me?"

Alice scowled and said, "Turning her from a sister to a lover? If you think that will make me anything other than murderous, you don't understand me at all."

"No. I mean, yes. I'm suggesting Mary and I start dating. And _also_ that Beth and I start dating." She waved a hand between them. "You two don't have to date. I mean, maybe in time you're interested, but clearly we're not going to be ready for that anytime soon. I love _both_ of you and... see, there's this idea among costumed vigilantes. I call it the Bat-Equation." It really was just a modified Drake Equation with Stephanie Brown's insights on communication and honesty. And she didn't feel right about tying Tim's real identity to the idea among people who didn't know it. So time to rebrand it. "I've got two identities. Why not a girlfriend for _each_? I mean this is the 21st Century, polygamy shouldn't be a bad word anymore."

"What about murder?" Mary asked.

"_That_'s still a bad word. This arrangement only works if you give up on murder and _especially_ on murdering Mary."

"What about incest?" Alice asked. "Isn't _that_ a bad word?"

"That's _never_ been a bad word in my book, as long as everyone's consenting. Besides, you'd mostly be dating Batwoman. You've already lost the Wonderland gang, time to try something new. We'll turn you into a hero. Maybe an antihero. But I can't be the only one who gets super worked up after a night out in costume. We're twins, don't deny you feel it too. So, those can be our dates, then we can retire back to the Batcave for... sister time. Mary, you'd be dating me as Kate Kane, you can take me to all your fancy museum openings and I'm sure it would drive our parents crazy, which, I mean, am I _alone_ here in seeing _that_ as a huge plus? Way better way to torture Dad, Beth." Nobody said anything, which made Kate continue. "And in case it's not clear, there would be plenty of sex for both of you. I've got a _lot_ of energy."

They still hadn't said anything, just looking at her, and each other. Finally, Mary tentatively said, "I mean... _I_ could live with that. If the death threats stop."

Alice broke into a genuine smile, like this was closer to what she wanted than she'd ever dreamed possible, and with teary eyes, said, "When I used to read fairy-tales, I fancied that kind of thing never happened, and now here I am in the middle of one!"

"That means _yes_, right?" Mary asked Kate, as though she was the only one who knew how to interpret her when she quoted Alice. 

Maybe she was. "Yup."

"It's a yes," Alice, Beth, agreed, nodding happily. "Except, you're in costume right now, which means it's _my_ time, right?"

Kate felt bad about running off on Mary just as their relationship got started... it was, surprisingly, the biggest downside to this plan. She gave her a sympathetic shrug. "I guess _somebody_ had to be first."

"It's okay... you have a lot of sister time to catch up on. Maybe come see me at the clinic after?"

Batwoman put her mask on again, then raised her grappling gun to a nearby building, held one arm out to her twin. "Ever swung on a grapple line?"

She hadn't, but it was far from the most exciting of the firsts they had that night.

The End.


End file.
